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Weird Diets (That Won’t Help)

The secret to a healthy lifestyle is to eat a variety of different things in reasonable amounts while getting plenty of exercise. It’s a technique developed by our caveman ancestors who ate whatever they could get their hands on before they had to run away from things.

Unfortunately, in this day and age sabre tooth tigers are hard to come by and fatty food is everywhere, so eating well is tough. Fortunately there are a number of cheats, hacks and miracle cures that will make it so you don’t have to.

Do they work? Ha! Hahaha! Ahem. No, I wasn’t laughing. That was just  a… laugh-like cough.

And if you believe that then you’ll believe:

You Can Wear Sunglasses Yourself Thin

One of the primary reasons for eating loads of food is that food looks really nice.

donut burgers

Photo Credit: ccaviness

Like this Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburgers served in Google’s New York City offices. See?

So the problem, if you’re eating too much, is that you see things like the Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger and think “Mmmmm. A cheeseburger with bacon IN A DOUGHNUT! That looks like something I want to put in my body” and then you do. What you need to do is make everything look disgusting.

This is where the idea of diet sunglasses comes in. Wear sunglasses with blue lenses and soon everything will look disgusting. If imagine those burgers, but blue, you’ll find them far less appetising.

Of course, on the other hand, you will look like Bono, so it might be better to just get fat.

Your Tapeworm Gets Fat So You Don’t Have To!

The theory is like this, a revolting parasite makes itself at home in your digestive tract, much like the face hugger from Alien. You eat food, the tape worm eats food. The tape worm puts on weight, you don’t. It’s logic that a nine-year-old could understand, and probably came up with. There is no downside!

Oh except that this lives in you now:

tapeworms in a jar

Photo Credit: jrmyst

Also you can look forward to abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea, dizziness, insomnia, fits and malnutrition to start with.

Still, weight loss and loss of appetite are up there are as well, so it’s all swings and roundabouts! Swings and disgusting roundabouts!

Cotton Balls, Just… Cotton Balls

Some models and dancers have been known to eat cotton balls to keep their figure down. The advantage is that cotton isn’t digestible. If you can’t digest it, then it can’t make you fat, right? That’s science!

bag of cotton wool balls

Photo Credit: konomike

Don’t you want to try these Jumbo Sized Balls?

The downside is that you’re eating things that your body can’t digest. So you’ve got stuff floating around your body that it can’t get rid of. If you can’t see why that would be a bad idea, I suggest you ask our hypothetical nine-year-old who thought tapeworms were a good idea because even they aren’t that stupid.

The Last Chance Diet

This diet was the invention of one Dr. Robert Linn who made breakthroughs in discovering just what you can get away with if the letters D and R are in front of your name. To take part in his Last Chance diet, dieters would eat nothing, instead drinking a concoction of Dr Linn’s own invention called “Prolinn”. This drink contained such tasty ingredients as slaughterhouse byproducts, pre-digested animal hides and tendons, with some sweeteners and artificial flavouring thrown in to stop it tasting of those ingredients.

bottle of mountain dew softdrink

Photo Credit: Like_the_Grand_Canyon

I’m just putting this picture here for no reason at all.

On the bright side, people did start losing weight, because that’s what happens when you starve yourself. The thing is, there’s something else that happens when you starve yourself…

a church graveyard

Photo Credit: Philip Ed

Here’s a clue.

Sam Wright is a freelance writer who covers low fat recipes, cookery and entertainment. His diet starts tomorrow.

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